so...

I've been a little MIA huh? I finally found my camera so I plan to catch up on my photo blog over the weekend.

I finished The Help (part of my 30B430 journey). Man, that book sure was hard to get started. I have some pretty serious reading issues, it was a little difficult to comprehend the speech. Anyway, after several chapters, I was able to get in a flow and it was hard to put it down. It's a little harder to read books now that I have to juggle P but I did finally finish it.

I've started Into the Wild. I received this book a long while back from an old boss of mine when he was cleaning out his office. He highly recommended that I read it and it's been sitting on my bookshelf since. Funny thing, when I was looking for books that had been made into movies, I found this one and figured what the heck. I'm really enjoying it so far. There's something really special about the story of this guy who drops everything, donates his entire savings to charity, and decides to roam the country. You know how the book ends at the very beginning, but this story is about his journey.

I think I might try Morning Glory next. I saw it on the shelves at Target today and thought about buying it, but figured I should at least get through this one first. The reviews don't look very promising though so maybe not?

Anyway...I went and weighed at WW today - stupid me wore my tennis shoes. I was up a pound from 2 weeks ago (I skipped last week for a family outing that was a bust), but I'm guessing that my shoes probably weigh 2 lbs. If nothing else, I should have a little cushion for next week ;-) I'm still struggling with all of this but with a big announcement of changes in the WW program starting in December, I'm holding out for the new program. I hear that you're able to eat all the fruit and veggies you want. When I did WW previously, I didn't count my fruit and veggies and that really worked for me. Who knows though...sadly, my resolution for the year was to lose 30 lbs and I've only lost like 10. I guess it's something huh?

On a completely different note, I've become obsessed with itso cube storage bins from Target!! Right now, Target has a sale on some of the products. I've used them for several different things -- very versatile!

dude, where's my camera?

I've lost my camera....my car is a big ole mess and I'm sure hoping it's in there. It sure is a nice camera. At first I thought it may have been stolen out of my car, but my flute is still sitting on the seat.

Bummer....

remember me?

P has no idea who the person in this picture is. He asks, "Mama, who's that?" This is an old picture, and it's weird to see, but I was this girl a while back and I'm proud to say that I won't be her again. I'm seriously not sure how I ever let it get that bad. I'm just trucking along -- slowly but surely wins the race right? It just so slow. I was thinking the other day about how I have no idea how much I weigh right now or how much weight I've lost in the last 3 months. I know it's somewhere around 7.5 pounds (which I think is ridiculous but I've accepted it). When I did WW the first time, I thought it was silly when people had no idea how much weight they had lost but that's who I am. I think it has a lot to do with the slow progress and the up .2 down .6 funk I'm in the middle of. We took a bunch of pictures while trick-or-treating last night and I wasn't completely disgusted with how I look. I have somewhere around 27 pounds left to lose before being at goal for WW. It has been such a slow journey, but at least I can look at this and know that I won't be her again. It's worth it, I just need to look back sometimes and see how far I've come.

product recommendation!!

If you're like me, you want to make sure you have plenty of options to get in your allotted fruit for the day. I started buying these for P a while back because of the variety of fruit in a fruit cup to add to the other fruit sources he gets -- at least one per meal (I always dumped out the juice and flushed the fruit with water a couple of times before giving it to him)...plus, I stole the cherries (gasp, I know). When I picked up a couple of packages the other day, I realized the new label at the bottom of the packaging...now in 100% fruit juices!! Geeze, this is huge. It's so hard to find good fruit cups and the good ones are usually coated in some sort of "lite syrup." This one is sooo delicious -- if you like all the fruits in side. The juices it's packed in appear to be lemon and white grape juice from concentrate. It has a pineappley twang to it, but I love pineapple.

some of the important nutritional stats -- if I didn't put it here, it's trivial to me.
1 WW point
70 calories
0g fat
1 g fiber
16g sugars
Vitamin A -- 2%
Vitamin C -- 45%
Iron -- 2%

down!

I lost a pound this week. Talked to Lisa at the WW meeting while I was in line to weigh. I told her that I had seriously considered not coming back. She praised me for my loss (but I was hoping for more) and encouraged me to keep coming and said that with only 27 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight, I should keep chugging along. I told her that technically, I needed to lose 33 lbs in order to lead my own classes - she always talked to me about leading my own class one day - but her reaction was different this time around. As I sat in the meeting this week I thought about how I relate the most to reality therapy when working with clients. I asked myself (I didn't pay much attention to the actual meeting) if I was happy where I was. I am making excuses for where I currently am, and I am choosing to eat foods and not track, I am choosing to not exercise knowing what the consequences are for not doing so. I've said it a thousand times...WW is 100% effective in losing weight and keeping it off, but the trick is, you have to be 100% invested in the lifestyle change. I've realized that while I want a quick fix for weight loss, I am not 100% invested, therefore I am not going to get the speedy results that I want. I am in it though...it just means that it will take longer and I have to accept that. I'm not sure why 1 pound isn't good enough.

Thoughts though...these people on Biggest Loser started waaay heavier than I did (this time around anyway) and in less time than I'd ever hope for, they will be super skinny and fit. What's the difference between us? Besides having 8-10 hrs a day to work out and trainers and all the healthy food you could ask for (free healthy food is the important point here), they want it. If they don't want it, somehow it always works out that they leave the show.

So...I'm going to stick with it for now. We'll see where my journey goes.

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On a COMPLETELY different note -- we get the Hub channel now and Doogie Howser, MD comes on...talk about a flash back!

"shock to the system"

I know I talk about my mom a lot on here...I'm slowly healing -- this is my outlet. It helps me get these feelings out. I lived my whole life (most of it anyway) hiding feelings and emotions till I finally found friends who would listen and not judge; amazing friends. Just when I think that I'm done grieving something else comes up. I'm good right now -- this isn't me going back into a rut and dealing with things again...for the millionth time. But I read this today and it hit home.

I used to read "Grey Matter" a long while back but time prevented me from keeping up. I had some free time tonight and I thought I'd catch up. I really like where they are going with this season of Grey's because in a way, it hits home for me. It's like that constant PTSD from an accident that I was not involved in. Every time I'm in a car, I think about her accident. I picture in my mind what happened and it scares the mess out of me; it makes me so incredibly sad to think about what she went through when she was thrown from her car. Was she conscious? Did she feel pain? Did she pray to God to take her? When the witness to the accident called me, had he seen all of this? Does he live with these images every day? Does he even think about that woman whose phone he picked up and dialed? Does he think about me -- the girl who told him she was in labor waiting for her mom to show? I picture the scene of her dog/best friend lying beside her -- the way they found him. These images are in my head. I wasn't on the scene. I haven't talked to anyone who witnessed the accident, but I'm constantly picturing it in my mind. Things have gotten easier. I no longer cry when I see an accident. Sometimes I'm even able to pass the accident site and don't even realize I've passed it till I've passed it (what a strange sentence). But there's always something that triggers an emotion. Now on to the reason for the post...

"If you’ve ever lost someone, or been terribly hurt, I think it’s fair to say that no matter how good a job you’ve done grieving, no matter far you’ve gotten past the pain, you’re never really safe from feeling that loss again. You run across a picture. A thing they gave you. You hear a song, or someone says a phrase, and suddenly that loss and pain is as present and immediate as if it was happening right now. It’s a shock, a complete surprise and, like the original event itself, something you can never see coming, never prepare yourself for. Because a trauma this immense doesn’t heal quickly. It creates wounds so deep they won’t make themselves known for a long time to come. And when they do, they blindside you." -- Bill Harper GA writer

what's next?

I would say that I'm very happy with my life right now. I no longer cringe when my phone rings and my mom is on the other end. I no longer fear what is going to happen the next day with her. I no longer stress out about work and getting things done while also rushing to get home and cook dinner, spend quality time with the family, clean house, and go to bed only to do these things all over again the next day. I've been blessed with the opportunity to be a SAHM for a little while and I'm trying to take in every minute. I'm so grateful for the situation that we have now. I've said this a thousand times...I really miss my mom...but where we are now is so much better than where we were.

With all that being said, I dread Saturdays now. I dread the 25 minute drive to the WW meeting. I dread the walk in the building. I dread getting on the scale. I dread lots of things because the weight isn't coming off like I'd hoped it would.

On my way to the meeting today, I did a lot of soul searching. I had a lot of time alone to think about why I'm here at this point right now. Why am I trying to lose the weight...again? I'm not sure if it's for me. I think that I'm trying to lose weight for everyone else. I'm sure you're thinking, I don't care what you look like, but I think that I'm trying to lose the weight so that others won't see me as fat Candice -- just Candice. I want L to be proud that I'm his wife. I'll keep doing my soul searching to figure out who I want to be.

Thoughts though? -- should I spend the $40 a month and continue the meetings or should I spend the $40 a month and find a gym? So many thoughts! What I do know that as long as I am being held accountable I will be more likely to make better decisions with fear of a big weight gain on the scales...but a gym membership may be just what I need to get back in the swing of things. I haven't priced gyms with child care so I may not be able to find one that meets all my needs. Gonna think about these things.

If you haven't checked out my 30B430 pages yet lately you should...I've marked a few things off my list! ;-)