product recommendation!!

If you're like me, you want to make sure you have plenty of options to get in your allotted fruit for the day. I started buying these for P a while back because of the variety of fruit in a fruit cup to add to the other fruit sources he gets -- at least one per meal (I always dumped out the juice and flushed the fruit with water a couple of times before giving it to him)...plus, I stole the cherries (gasp, I know). When I picked up a couple of packages the other day, I realized the new label at the bottom of the packaging...now in 100% fruit juices!! Geeze, this is huge. It's so hard to find good fruit cups and the good ones are usually coated in some sort of "lite syrup." This one is sooo delicious -- if you like all the fruits in side. The juices it's packed in appear to be lemon and white grape juice from concentrate. It has a pineappley twang to it, but I love pineapple.

some of the important nutritional stats -- if I didn't put it here, it's trivial to me.
1 WW point
70 calories
0g fat
1 g fiber
16g sugars
Vitamin A -- 2%
Vitamin C -- 45%
Iron -- 2%

down!

I lost a pound this week. Talked to Lisa at the WW meeting while I was in line to weigh. I told her that I had seriously considered not coming back. She praised me for my loss (but I was hoping for more) and encouraged me to keep coming and said that with only 27 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight, I should keep chugging along. I told her that technically, I needed to lose 33 lbs in order to lead my own classes - she always talked to me about leading my own class one day - but her reaction was different this time around. As I sat in the meeting this week I thought about how I relate the most to reality therapy when working with clients. I asked myself (I didn't pay much attention to the actual meeting) if I was happy where I was. I am making excuses for where I currently am, and I am choosing to eat foods and not track, I am choosing to not exercise knowing what the consequences are for not doing so. I've said it a thousand times...WW is 100% effective in losing weight and keeping it off, but the trick is, you have to be 100% invested in the lifestyle change. I've realized that while I want a quick fix for weight loss, I am not 100% invested, therefore I am not going to get the speedy results that I want. I am in it though...it just means that it will take longer and I have to accept that. I'm not sure why 1 pound isn't good enough.

Thoughts though...these people on Biggest Loser started waaay heavier than I did (this time around anyway) and in less time than I'd ever hope for, they will be super skinny and fit. What's the difference between us? Besides having 8-10 hrs a day to work out and trainers and all the healthy food you could ask for (free healthy food is the important point here), they want it. If they don't want it, somehow it always works out that they leave the show.

So...I'm going to stick with it for now. We'll see where my journey goes.

_____________________________________
On a COMPLETELY different note -- we get the Hub channel now and Doogie Howser, MD comes on...talk about a flash back!

"shock to the system"

I know I talk about my mom a lot on here...I'm slowly healing -- this is my outlet. It helps me get these feelings out. I lived my whole life (most of it anyway) hiding feelings and emotions till I finally found friends who would listen and not judge; amazing friends. Just when I think that I'm done grieving something else comes up. I'm good right now -- this isn't me going back into a rut and dealing with things again...for the millionth time. But I read this today and it hit home.

I used to read "Grey Matter" a long while back but time prevented me from keeping up. I had some free time tonight and I thought I'd catch up. I really like where they are going with this season of Grey's because in a way, it hits home for me. It's like that constant PTSD from an accident that I was not involved in. Every time I'm in a car, I think about her accident. I picture in my mind what happened and it scares the mess out of me; it makes me so incredibly sad to think about what she went through when she was thrown from her car. Was she conscious? Did she feel pain? Did she pray to God to take her? When the witness to the accident called me, had he seen all of this? Does he live with these images every day? Does he even think about that woman whose phone he picked up and dialed? Does he think about me -- the girl who told him she was in labor waiting for her mom to show? I picture the scene of her dog/best friend lying beside her -- the way they found him. These images are in my head. I wasn't on the scene. I haven't talked to anyone who witnessed the accident, but I'm constantly picturing it in my mind. Things have gotten easier. I no longer cry when I see an accident. Sometimes I'm even able to pass the accident site and don't even realize I've passed it till I've passed it (what a strange sentence). But there's always something that triggers an emotion. Now on to the reason for the post...

"If you’ve ever lost someone, or been terribly hurt, I think it’s fair to say that no matter how good a job you’ve done grieving, no matter far you’ve gotten past the pain, you’re never really safe from feeling that loss again. You run across a picture. A thing they gave you. You hear a song, or someone says a phrase, and suddenly that loss and pain is as present and immediate as if it was happening right now. It’s a shock, a complete surprise and, like the original event itself, something you can never see coming, never prepare yourself for. Because a trauma this immense doesn’t heal quickly. It creates wounds so deep they won’t make themselves known for a long time to come. And when they do, they blindside you." -- Bill Harper GA writer

what's next?

I would say that I'm very happy with my life right now. I no longer cringe when my phone rings and my mom is on the other end. I no longer fear what is going to happen the next day with her. I no longer stress out about work and getting things done while also rushing to get home and cook dinner, spend quality time with the family, clean house, and go to bed only to do these things all over again the next day. I've been blessed with the opportunity to be a SAHM for a little while and I'm trying to take in every minute. I'm so grateful for the situation that we have now. I've said this a thousand times...I really miss my mom...but where we are now is so much better than where we were.

With all that being said, I dread Saturdays now. I dread the 25 minute drive to the WW meeting. I dread the walk in the building. I dread getting on the scale. I dread lots of things because the weight isn't coming off like I'd hoped it would.

On my way to the meeting today, I did a lot of soul searching. I had a lot of time alone to think about why I'm here at this point right now. Why am I trying to lose the weight...again? I'm not sure if it's for me. I think that I'm trying to lose weight for everyone else. I'm sure you're thinking, I don't care what you look like, but I think that I'm trying to lose the weight so that others won't see me as fat Candice -- just Candice. I want L to be proud that I'm his wife. I'll keep doing my soul searching to figure out who I want to be.

Thoughts though? -- should I spend the $40 a month and continue the meetings or should I spend the $40 a month and find a gym? So many thoughts! What I do know that as long as I am being held accountable I will be more likely to make better decisions with fear of a big weight gain on the scales...but a gym membership may be just what I need to get back in the swing of things. I haven't priced gyms with child care so I may not be able to find one that meets all my needs. Gonna think about these things.

If you haven't checked out my 30B430 pages yet lately you should...I've marked a few things off my list! ;-)

another depressing day

I arrived 20 minutes early to the WW meeting today only to discover that they've moved. I guess that's what happens when you miss 2 weeks in a row. Luckily, it was to a new building in the same strip mall. When I started this journey 4 or so years ago (actually it will be 4 years this month) I was motivated to lose weight -- not sure what was the motivator at the time but it's not there now. It's weird, I think that I wanted to please my WW leader. I wanted to be the one who lost the most weight (and I quickly became that person). I'm now the person who doesn't lose much and skips meetings. She rarely acknowledges me anymore. There are other "superstars" that she focuses her energy on more. I now see what it was the other people at my @work meetings saw. She does give more attention to her superstar. I need to think about what my motivations are right now (cause my motivations need to be personal and not about what other people think). Why am I on this journey (wasting money) when I'm not sure why I'm here. Today was tough for me because I felt alone. Everyone there had a buddy -- being a husband, child, sibling, best friend -- and I didn't. I feel alone because when it comes time to eat no one thinks about choosing something that is healthy and I don't want to be the bad guy (so I usually just give in). I'm tired of being the one who "has to choose" because of a "diet." Why can't people just choose to eat healthy for themselves -- I don't want it to always be about me? For isntance, L wanted pizza on Tuesday (stupid two for Tuesday promotion) so I said, sure, just order me my regular. I only ate 2 pieces and felt sick afterward not because I ate the pizza, but sick because another week was quickly going down the drain.

I'm going to give this another month. The next 3 months are the absolute hardest part in a weight loss/lifestyle changing journey; Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas. I love chocolate more than anything else (when it comes to food) so this month will be especially difficult. Yesterday was my cheat day and today I get back started on for real measuring and tracking for a week. I know this goal sounds crazy but if I don't lose at least 2 lbs [this week] doing this the "right" way, I may have to cancel my membership and do some reevaluating of my life goals.

243 Project

basically a 365 project...but only in 8 months -- I've got a page of ideas that I'm using for inspiration but my plan is to just take a picture when I get the urge.

The number 13 is one of my favorite numbers. It's always the number that people are the most afraid of but it was the day that my life changed -- the day that L and I started dating. Here's my first 13 days of photos in a simple collage. Enjoy!

obviously the pictures aren't in any particular order -- just what worked in organization. Here's a little snippet about what each shot meant to me.

1 -- this morning I saw this view while letting the dogs out and I had to snap it.
This picture spoke to me today -- peacefulness after yesterday's insanity. P used the dump truck to pick up the leaves and then used a stick to throw them around.
I'm not a pro, but I love the lighting in this shot.

2 -- Cheat Day: I lost a stick of butter today (pretty depressing but it's nice to actually see it); here's my reward!

3 -- some quiet reading time for Mr. P

4 -- Seriously? I'll go on immediately to save your cigarette brand...right.

5 -- sweet pups share their new bed; not very well anyway

6 -- pull, pull; all in a hard day's work!

7 --the sign of a good day; stuff everywhere

8 --new shoes

9 -- father and son (pure heaven)

10 -- dirt 1 - pumpkin 0 (dirt always wins in the end)

11-- sweet Guggle (Tucker)

12 -- I heart pancakes; and so does P!

13 -- missing my friend; sushi anyone?


I hate that these collages are so small...may need to rethink this

14 -- picnic in the park; my favorite family time!

15 -- hide and seek with little feet

16 -- P is super scared of this witch

17 -- L's changed a bit as you can see

18 -- P's scarecrow and "elbow"

So, we've had 31 days of photos. October's pictures had a lot to do with Halloween. I love Halloween a lot! It's so much fun to think that you can decorate and dress as scary or as cute as you'd like. I saw so many ideas this year and hope to use those ideas for our decor next year!

19. Happy Belated 1st Birthday to Sean

20. Walking through the corn maze/maize

21. chocolate pudding = pure deliciousness

22. Mr. Pumpkinhead's pieces

23. nighttime glow

24. decor assistance and readjustment

25. a storm's a brewing (we haven't had rain in months)

26. a tree grew in my flowerbed over night!

27. over-protection

28. for he's a jolly good fellow

29. a tech savvy kiddo

30. pumpkin suicide

31. all in a night's work

Well, I'm a bit behind schedule...November was especially busy and December has proven to be the same. Here are photos from the first 26 days of November. I'm not sure what I did after Thanksgiving? I've skipped a few days as well? Maybe I have pictures on my other camera.

1. a little fun with the leftover Halloween candy

2. saying farewell to a best friend

3. the clock was a little sad

4. P's self portrait

5. look who visits from time to time

6. a sack of potatoes

7. quarterly toy cleaning

8. silly pups

9. who's the boss?

10. lunchtime duel

11. He's watching you!

12. reading time

13. there's no denying that orange box

14. I'll help mama...

15. for Tina

16. my spread of grub courtesy of Parker

17. Hello there!

18. Goofball!

19. so, I really want a glue stick with my pack of batteries? I'm missing the connection here.

20. sweet little feet

21. time for a haircut!

22. a little fun with my new camera

23. dare to be different

24. Thanksgiving feast - PMan Style

25. What's in here?

26. WELCOME HOME!

30B430!

Well, my journey to 30 isn't far from being over. In just 8 short months, I'll be there...Here's a list of things I'd like to do before that day arrives. I think today's date is pretty cool 10-01-10.

I have a little over 5 months left and it's sure not looking good....

Completed 7 out of 30

1. see where my mom grew up (LA -- Sun Valley) DONE
2. go whale watching in the Pacific DONE
3. see the Ellen Show in person
-- this isn't looking so good; I haven't heard from an Ellen rep about tickets yet :(
-- I was able to walk on the Ellen set, stand on her star, and dance across the same row she does, I'm going to count this! DONE
4. be a mom of two (this one isn't happening -- but I left it here because I always thought I'd have 2 kids when I was 30)
5. bake a cake from scratch DONE
-- Baked P's birthday cake
6. attack the Vermonster (again)
7. go blonde (again) DONE...kind of
8. watch 5 movies based on books (and read the books) -- [0/5 Books 0/5 Movies]
-- currently working on "The Help"
9. go camping with the family
10. mentor a child
11. take a dance lesson
12. swim with dolphins
13. attend a cooking class
14. send gifts to three people for no reason [2/3]
-- gave my friend K a onesie for an expected little girl!!
-- sent my friend R an outfit for her new daughter
15. send 30 cards to 30 different people for no reason [2/30]
-- card to GeGe from P
-- card to BFF
16. cook a 3 course dinner and have a dinner party -- with fine china
-- I made Christmas dinner for family and used china...not sure if this counts yet
17. drive a convertible
-- I've been pricing convertibles lately; can't wait!
18. actually make it up on water ski's
-- this might not happen; I hadn't thought about weather over the next 8 months
19. complete a 365 photo project (in 8 months - 243 days)
20. get a tattoo
21. ride a horse on the beach
22. ride a mechanical bull
23. learn how to shoot a gun
24. watch a movie (in a theater) by myself
25. make a photo book of just Louis and I
-- in progress
26. edit and make my mom's story book a real book (and try to get it published)
27. participate in lent
28. travel to two states I've never been to before DONE
-- California
-- Utah
29. get fitted for a bra (and buy a nice one)
-- Done
30. witness a miracle

Here are 5 more to give me a little wiggle room.
31. get my eyebrows waxed
32. toast with an expensive champagne
33. dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly
34. go on a real date with Louis to a fancy restaurant...
35. complete a major sewing project