moments of memory

I cleaned out the closet today -- I don't know why I expect you to know what closet I'm talking about -- the closet where I've stashed all the things I wanted to keep from my mom's car after the accident (the stuff I didn't want to put away). The closet that is ridiculously packed to the brim and is blocked by the dog crate for minimal access. Inside was her coat (the one that she made and wore ALL THE TIME -- It smelled bad and I was somewhat embarrassed when she wore it -- but it smelled like her) which still has sticks and grass in it, her suitcase (neatly packed in preparation for a week long stay with her new grandson), her air mattress and heating blanket, and the hardest thing of all, a dozen reams of fancy yarn (for the blanket she was making for Parker -- the blanket that I swore I'd finish for him). I felt her. It was weird. I've always heard people say that they feel those who are close to them, but I got this weird rush when I held her coat. I miss her more than I ever thought I would, but I think that as time passes, things get easier for me to deal with. She's happy now -- I'm happy now. I have so many regrets from the last 5 years. I wish I'd treated her better; I wish that I'd told her I loved her more; I wish I'd hugged her and been there. That's all she really needed I think. She was sad and she was lonely. She made my life a living hell but it was because she was living in her own personal hell at the time. I think a lot of my eating issues have a lot to do with the constant regret that I've lived with since way before she died. It probably all started when I became happy with myself and realized how unhappy she was. Food feels good...I think I need some sort of OEA meeting to help me with all of this (I think that is what we consider the WW meetings). Time eases pain...but there will always be these little moments of memory that hurt a little. Thankfully, I have blogging as an outlet and pretzel M&M's to help to -- just kidding, I didn't eat any pretzel M&M's.

Lose for Good

Well...I'm up this week; one stick of butter (.4lbs) to be exact. I expected more (at one point this week, my scale said I was up 4 lbs) so you can imagine I was actually quite happy with that number. I'd like to use muscle building as an excuse, but who knows for sure why I'm up. I've got to start being consistent! I only have 23 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight, but as I remember from last time, those pounds seem to take the longest to get off. This week, WW started their Lose for Good campaign (I believe this is their third year do to it).
Every WW member pound lost accumulates to the goal of 1 million pounds lost, then WW makes donations based on every million lost. BUT... for every pound I lose, I'm going to donate one canned good to the food bank. It's supposed to symbolize one pound lost, one pound donated. Today I held 7 lbs of canned goods and it's insane to feel that and imagine it being gone. I've been having a hard time finding the motivation to stick with the strict program but I hope that this can help me.

As part of the challenge, I've also set some goals for myself for the next 7 weeks.

--lose 7 lbs
--drink 8 glasses of water a day
--track meals and snacks
--attend WW meetings
--one cheat meal every other week instead of every week

Here's where I need your advice...I'm torn between this last goal...I'd like it to be related to losing weight and donating food.

--if I fail to lose 7 lbs in a week, I will donate an additional 7 non-perishable goods to the food bank
OR
--I will donate 2 non-perishable goods for every pound over 7 that I lose.
OR
--I will donate 1 non-perishable good for every day that I do not meet a goal.
OR
--your suggested goal
OR
--any combination of these

It seems to me that either way, the food bank wins but I'm just not sure which sounds better as far as motivation for me.

I'd like to challenge you guys to participate in this challenge in some capacity. You don't have to join WW...you don't have to lose weight...but I'd like you to set some healthy goals for yourself and have some sort of food bank donation as an end result of your goals. I'd like to hear what you think.

Phew!

Well, after talking myself in and out of walking, I finally got P dressed for another walk. I decided to try out Patriot Lake at Shelby Farms today. I won't do it again (absolutely no shade for P in the stroller) but I'm glad I went. The course is about 1.67 miles long. I probably only spent 30-45 minutes (max) walking (I took several breaks to offer P water). I meant to check my clock before I left but forgot.

At least I got out...

I hate walking!

...but I'm glad I went.

L slept in this morning (like he does pretty much every single morning he can) so I loaded P in the car and we went to Shelby Farms. Most of the time I wish I had a partner in all this. I think I'm pretty lucky to have such a great place at my disposal so I might as well take advantage of it. The walked started out pretty shaky. My Maclaren stroller wasn't having the MAJOR off roading that we had to do because of MAJOR construction (this will be nice when it's done though). I did not enjoy that part at all. I sure would have liked some advance notice. The entire time I kept thinking about how much I hate walking but I tried to use the time as spiritual me time as well. With P in the stroller, all was quiet and peaceful. After about 45 minutes of intense walking P was getting restless so I let him walk around. Funny that it was about 45 more minutes before we made it to the car (he's super slow and we only had about 10 minutes of walking left). I ran into an old friend and we talked the last 30 minutes, which helped the time fly. Once I was in the car, I was glad I went. I went home and had my recovery drink (hehe). I figured if I'd earned 6 activity points, I could afford some chocolate milk.

Now, I've got to find another place to walk until they're done with construction. I don't feel safe walking most places here though...

FINALLY!!

Today went well! I met Lisa (my WW leader) at the door and she asked me how things were going. I told her how I'd been discouraged with the lack of weight loss over the last 5 weeks. To me, 1.6 lbs is hardly a decent amount of weight to lose in 5 weeks.

The receptionist congratulated me on a good loss for the week.
R: Good Loss!
me: (in my head)The last time you said that, it was 1.4 lbs and I'd hardly call that good for a first week. I stood there making small talk while she had my book.
R:What was your starting weight again?
Me: 248.8 (Geeze, how much did I lose?)
R: Well, then I need to give you your 50lb weight
Me: I've already lost 93 lbs, I have all the awards already -- I had a baby, got fat again.
R: Oh, well congrats then (on the baby)
Me: (thanks...how much did I lose)
R: You had a good week
Me: (you already said that)
R: 4.6 lbs, Congrats!
Me: Thank you thank you thank you!!

Lisa recognized me (in a weird way, I really needed that) in front of everyone and it felt good. Sure, I'd lost 4.6 lbs in 3 weeks, but a 1.5 weekly average isn't too bad. So let's discuss this...the first 2 weeks, I'd religiously tracked every single thing I ate (and lost 1.6 lbs total). Week 3 consisted of 4 days of eating out for every meal. Week 4 was bad all around...and last week, Week 5, I ate responsibly (and might I add, did not track anything) and lost the majority of the weight. While I'd hoped for me, an average of 1 lb a week isn't too bad. It's what I expected the norm to be.

Before the meeting started, the lady next to me and I talked about exercise. She asked me if I had done Zumba. I told her that I'd heard several friends who bragged about how much fun it was, but I personally hadn't. She has a gym membership that she doesn't use. She told me about how she has two small children and finds it hard to work out. We shared our struggles with finding me time. It was nice to finally have someone to really talk to in the meetings. (I'd talked to people before but nothing related to the struggles I'd been having). Lisa's topic for the meeting was struggles with exercise. She and I laughed...our own personal inside joke. The whole group shared the benefits of exercise and no one mentioned how hard it is to get involved in a hard core program. There are not many people who have small children consuming their time. It's discouraging when you hear everyone talk about their exercise regiment (none of which mention having a toddler pulling at the leg while working out to a video or walking around the block). Plus, I HATE exercise (sidenote: I enjoy the elliptical machine but can't afford one of my own). Lisa said that if you don't like doing it, you won't do it (and she's right), but one thing she said to me really hit home. Her mom was a GREAT mom...she did everything for the family (cooking, cleaning, love) but she never took time for herself. Now, she's elderly and disabled with the means to travel but she can't. So, I'm going to try my hardest to take care of myself so that I can take care of everyone as long as I can. It's not going to be easy at all...heck, taking care of a toddler is easier than taking the time to take care of myself. I'm going to try to figure out a routine that includes walking for an hour a day -- hey, it's a start.

So, I'm happily back on track and trying to figure out how to take care of me. BTW...I've met my first weight loss goal! I'm under 190!

apples, pears, and fasting

I read about a fast that is supposed to help pass gallstones. I've been having gallbladder issues over the past week or so. Had another major attack a week ago. Since then, I've noticed some lower back pain that is pretty consistent with the last attack I had (while pregnant with P). The doctors said that my gallbladder appeared healthy so they didn't want to do surgery. Since then, I've been pretty good about avoiding (or drastically reducing) super greasy, high fat, and caffeine infused foods but our mini-vacation wasn't super good for that. I think it was a combination of the Sal and Mookie's pizza and the super coffee drink from McDonalds that finally put my poor gallbladder over the edge.

So, the point of this is that after the second major attack, I went out searching for a way to non-surgically help with these two little stones. There are several different cleanses out there (some of which involved an enema), but I found this -- (it's not scientific by any means!)

"what's helped me in the past is a two day cleanse. This includes and ONLY includes: Pear juice, pears, apple juice (but NO apples), and as much apple sauce as one's self can take, cuz that is the entire menu, and water, of course. For 2 whole days only those items. You may find towards the end of the cleanse some unexpected stones in your stool."

I'm starving...