another depressing day

I arrived 20 minutes early to the WW meeting today only to discover that they've moved. I guess that's what happens when you miss 2 weeks in a row. Luckily, it was to a new building in the same strip mall. When I started this journey 4 or so years ago (actually it will be 4 years this month) I was motivated to lose weight -- not sure what was the motivator at the time but it's not there now. It's weird, I think that I wanted to please my WW leader. I wanted to be the one who lost the most weight (and I quickly became that person). I'm now the person who doesn't lose much and skips meetings. She rarely acknowledges me anymore. There are other "superstars" that she focuses her energy on more. I now see what it was the other people at my @work meetings saw. She does give more attention to her superstar. I need to think about what my motivations are right now (cause my motivations need to be personal and not about what other people think). Why am I on this journey (wasting money) when I'm not sure why I'm here. Today was tough for me because I felt alone. Everyone there had a buddy -- being a husband, child, sibling, best friend -- and I didn't. I feel alone because when it comes time to eat no one thinks about choosing something that is healthy and I don't want to be the bad guy (so I usually just give in). I'm tired of being the one who "has to choose" because of a "diet." Why can't people just choose to eat healthy for themselves -- I don't want it to always be about me? For isntance, L wanted pizza on Tuesday (stupid two for Tuesday promotion) so I said, sure, just order me my regular. I only ate 2 pieces and felt sick afterward not because I ate the pizza, but sick because another week was quickly going down the drain.

I'm going to give this another month. The next 3 months are the absolute hardest part in a weight loss/lifestyle changing journey; Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas. I love chocolate more than anything else (when it comes to food) so this month will be especially difficult. Yesterday was my cheat day and today I get back started on for real measuring and tracking for a week. I know this goal sounds crazy but if I don't lose at least 2 lbs [this week] doing this the "right" way, I may have to cancel my membership and do some reevaluating of my life goals.