moments of memory

I cleaned out the closet today -- I don't know why I expect you to know what closet I'm talking about -- the closet where I've stashed all the things I wanted to keep from my mom's car after the accident (the stuff I didn't want to put away). The closet that is ridiculously packed to the brim and is blocked by the dog crate for minimal access. Inside was her coat (the one that she made and wore ALL THE TIME -- It smelled bad and I was somewhat embarrassed when she wore it -- but it smelled like her) which still has sticks and grass in it, her suitcase (neatly packed in preparation for a week long stay with her new grandson), her air mattress and heating blanket, and the hardest thing of all, a dozen reams of fancy yarn (for the blanket she was making for Parker -- the blanket that I swore I'd finish for him). I felt her. It was weird. I've always heard people say that they feel those who are close to them, but I got this weird rush when I held her coat. I miss her more than I ever thought I would, but I think that as time passes, things get easier for me to deal with. She's happy now -- I'm happy now. I have so many regrets from the last 5 years. I wish I'd treated her better; I wish that I'd told her I loved her more; I wish I'd hugged her and been there. That's all she really needed I think. She was sad and she was lonely. She made my life a living hell but it was because she was living in her own personal hell at the time. I think a lot of my eating issues have a lot to do with the constant regret that I've lived with since way before she died. It probably all started when I became happy with myself and realized how unhappy she was. Food feels good...I think I need some sort of OEA meeting to help me with all of this (I think that is what we consider the WW meetings). Time eases pain...but there will always be these little moments of memory that hurt a little. Thankfully, I have blogging as an outlet and pretzel M&M's to help to -- just kidding, I didn't eat any pretzel M&M's.