last supper

I'm lonely -- L has been working early every day for the last (shoot I can't count) __ days. Usually, I have several nights where he's late but because the last weekend he worked was an early weekend, and he worked early on Tuesday so he could go to a concert, I'm out of practice with his late nights.

Loneliness causes me to do things that I normally wouldn't do. Insert sad and depressing movie here...7 pounds. Have you seen it? It's like, put a freaking warning before the movie that people who have lost a loved one in a car accident should not watch. Of course car accidents get me thinking about mom and get me thinking about what everyone (okay not really everyone) said...she did it on purpose. Was I that bad of a daughter that she just couldn't make it to see her grandson being born? I go through my mind about our last conversation. I was so drugged up and so exhausted that I don't remember what we said. All I remember is telling her to be careful and take her time. P could wait on her. Then there was the phone call I knew would come one day or another. She'd always said that when she killed herself (not if) it would be in a way where neither my sister or I found her. She said that someone else would have to deal with her. She said that she'd take the dogs with her. So, I just find it somewhat ironic that she dies in a car accident with both dogs in tow. It's so hard (even still) to see or hear about a deadly accident. I constantly see a picture of what that accident was probably like for her. I saw the car afterward. Any somewhat smart human can determine what happened. I just don't understand but will never know if it was really an accident or if she really did it on purpose. What does it matter I guess. When she attempted suicide in 2008, she told me one thing afterward. She said that there was nothing left for her. When I confronted her about what I meant to her she simply said that I'd moved on with my life and I didn't need her anymore. So, as a counselor, I realize these thoughts are not rational, but they are still my thoughts. I got tired of hearing bad news every time the phone rang. I miss her so much, but my life is easier now. That sure doesn't help the pain I feel. I feel her loneliness, the fact that she had nothing left but sat around on a Saturday night waiting for me to call her [cause no one else was calling her]. I'd given up on her. I got tired of the bad news all the time so I quit calling as much. But now I feel everything she felt. It's almost like the car accident was her last final f-u to me. I think about what things would be like if she were around now. I'd probably still be paying her bills. She'd probably still be completely unhappy. We'd fight about something. I still miss her though. I wish I could have called her when I got my NCE test scores in the mail. I wish I could call her when I'm sad and miss her. I just want to hear her voice again. I dream about her all the time. I've forgotten what she sounded like.

with all that being said, guess what was on the dinner menu tonight? McDonalds!
Big Mac
med. caramel frap.
small fries

tomorrow I start my sugar fast (well, that is if I can get the grocery shopping done) -- it may be Monday.